The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.