Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Canadian owl: Eh?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Growing up was a huge mistake
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?