Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
OH. COME. ON.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…