The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.