*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you