Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
thank god the sign was there
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.