If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.