My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
You Might Also Like
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what