You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
You Might Also Like
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.