I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
so, is there a mister shapen head
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!