Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet