Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
then why did i get this email
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat