Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over