In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.