I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
it’s finally my moment to shine
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.