Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.