If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
You Might Also Like
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
No laws when master is gone
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick