THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys