[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.