I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom