anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.