Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
You Might Also Like
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle