“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Why is no one talking about this?!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off