Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No