*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.