“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Good boy 😂😂
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.