My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us