Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*