I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?