ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.