I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
You Might Also Like
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
when dads have a rap battle
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Liquor Store Parking
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.