taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Flock of bats
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.