My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.