I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.