Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Who.
Did.
This?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
my name if I was in the mob