Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN