[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
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Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.