I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
You Might Also Like
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.