My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
This did not end as expected.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real