Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.