I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
How dude HOW?!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.