Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen