[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere