I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)