waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.