[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Happy birthday to all the women
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?