The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad