Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.