College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
#have a #great #PancakeDay
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic