No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
How does one answer this?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
When ur friends with white people
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.